||[Apr. 16th, 2007|10:40 pm]
it's been months since i have written anything..
i feel overwhelmed and worn, like i want to runaway and give up any of my commitments and responsibilities. i miss the early days of sobriety when everything was so new and exciting and i could just drink coffee, go to meetings, and enjoy the simple life. i'm barely skidding by in school right now and i feel like i want to do a geographic and pack up and go somewhere new. life has brought some very interesting experiences which i am going through with these raw feelings that i'd much rather doctor with something other than my spiritual practices. but i know that my higher power, if you will, doesn't give me more than i can handle, and definitely doesn't give me anything i can't get through. all though it feels that way most of the time, i know it's going to help me grow and change..
i'm at this place where i am unhappy and unsatisfied and when i look back on the times in my sobriety when i was the happiest it's when i was going to the gym frequently, taking better care of my body, having lots of fun and getting to know myself, i was working on the relationship with myself and i was traveling much more often. i have been adding yoga back into my life, and trying to strengthen my spiritual life and i can feel the change coming.
sometimes i wish i could go swimming in the sky.. i wish i could leave all my worries, struggles, and fears behind and just be up there where the beauty of the moon and stars shines through and lights up my world.
as i was sitting back in my hottub with my friends the other night, i looked up and just cried. cried about everything... sadness, fear, frustration, gratitude, anger, confusion, all these feelings came up and i wanted to get out of my skin and leave all that behind for a while. ha, if only that worked..
one of the things keeping me sane and semi together has been my artwork. i am so grateful i never let go of creating. it's my passion, my vice. it's been a year and a half since i've had a cigarette and the only thing i've got left is coffee. what a trip..
here are a few of my most recent creations...